I have recorded the last song on the 5-song solo demo that I've been working to finish this year. It's called "Hard Ground" and it was written about the feelings I have about my childhood and my relationship with my mother. As I wrote it, back in 2017, I was able to access emotions that I usually suppress. For good reason! I realized that I suppress a lot of emotions, both painful and positive, in order to survive. Since they were open and out on the table, I looked at them with fresh eyes and was able to heal a bit. In doing so, I had the thought that my mother must have been suppressing thoughts and feelings as well. That may have been the big reason that she was attracted to the cult that has caused so many problems in our relationship to begin with.
I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. Although they paint a comforting view of the future that attracts people to their message, they also are oppressively strict and authoritarian. They practice disfellowshipping, which is the same thing as excommunication. If you are disfellowshipped from their church then you are not to be talked to by the Jehovah's Witnesses anymore. That includes your own family members. I was disfellowshipped at the age of 20 and never went back to the religion. My mother and father have actively shunned me ever since. Years later I spent a lot of time and effort protesting their practice of disfellowshipping and it actually helped me heal quite a bit from the trauma, as well as others who were still trapped by the cult both inside and out. You can be physically out of a cult like the Witnesses, but still imprisoned mentally. It takes a long time for most to de-program all the bugs put into their minds from a cult.
I wrote this song some time after my fiercest protesting days were over. Despite thinking I came to peace with my parents, I realized that there was still a lot to process. No amount of protesting would ever fix these emotional issues. I had to face why my mother and father were the way they were. Why I, in turn, am the way I am. That took seeing things about myself that were hard to see. It ultimately helped me to understand and forgive my parents on a new level. Ultimately it helped me to love them despite what has and continues to happen.
After I finish mixing this song I will release it on Youtube, Soundcloud and this website. At some point this year I also have plans to put it on Spotify. You will be able to find all five songs on Youtube, Soundcloud, and my website in the meantime once it's released. The song list will then be, Alien, Stay, Ecstasy, On the Road to Nowhere, and Hard Ground. I hope that you enjoy them and that they help you in some way. They have certainly helped me!
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